The Italians have a saying, “Go to a club and get laid.” They have another saying, “A thick hair shirt drives women crazy,” but we’ll ignore the second saying for now and concentrate on the first. If your intention is to get laid, it’s imperative to not act like a jackass. A typical jackass move is to request a song at a club. Let’s look at two examples we might learn from, shall we?

1. You’ve just walked into your local pickup hang. You unwrap your twelve-dollar cotton scarf that you swear looks like cashmere, remove your coonskin cap you’re peacocking with and unbutton your cape. You grab a cocktail and sip it with your pinky out, because you’re a real sophisti-cat! With no one to talk to (because, frankly, who’s friends with a guy who wears a coonskin cap), you strike up some banal banter with the deejay. The topic turns to what kinds of music the deejay has because he’s a bit of a hollow trout and has nothing else to talk about. He goes on about how so-so’s new song uses the beat from
this old, super-obscure, seventies R&B song, “Bread Sandwiches” by the ‘Nard. He’s just happy someone’s listening to him besides his dear old Mum and, before you know it, he’s asking you if you want to hear some ‘Nard. You feel bad for the geezer and agree. Now the deejay is saying over the mic how they have a special request for “Bread Sandwiches” by ‘Nard. Well, guess what? You now look like a ‘tard. The entire club stares at you as “Bread Sandwiches” kills the mood and sops up any fun. The only chance you now have to get laid is by the deejay. Hope his Mum likes you!

2. It’s getting late and you’re having the time of your life. You’re probably too hammered to nail, but some bittie is actually talking to you and you think you have a chance. You excuse yourself to hit the head, then on the way back you stop at the deejay booth. You slide the deejay a fiver (big spender!) to play anything by DJ Darude. Why? Because you’re into Scandinavian trance music, you boner. The music selection doesn’t matter, wait for the morale of the story. You return to your lady of the night and tell her you requested the next song. Darude’s song “Sandstorm” plays, because I don’t think he has another song, and the girl loses it. This song reminds her of her times in the club scene with her ex-boyfriend and you’re picturing glowsticks where they shouldn’t be. Now with the visual of neon nether regions on your brain, you can’t talk to her anymore and you’ve done ruined a perfectly good night. Morale of the story, leave well enough alone.

So next time you’re at a club remember, if you request a song, you might either look like a ‘tard or end up picturing the girl you like playing Chinese finger cuffs with two glowsticks.

Remember to tell ‘em Moobs sent you,
Banley Moobs, that is.