Whether you’re a Billy No Mates or you’ve got more friends than a pre-killing people O.J. Simpson, there’s a certain decorum one wants to maintain when you head out to a nightclub. For your personal use, I’ve put together some simple do’s and don’ts.

Do slip some money to the bouncer.

Don’t stand outside waiting for the bouncer to let you in. You stand outside long enough all of the birds are going to see you and your chances for some fresh macaw will be very slim. If you’re too cheap to grease the bouncer, what are you even doing at a nightclub? Go get a tall boy and find a busy street corner where you can bum a smoke.

Do chat up your friends, beighbors (bar neighbors) or the babetender. Hopefully you’ll have something that’s not completely mundane to talk about. Stay away from topics with strangers that might be considered offensive. Such as, “Don’t you think it’s odd that the Chinese are so dirty, yet they own all the best dry cleaners?”

Don’t for the Queen Mum’s sake, talk to yourself. If you get caught mumbling like a jackal, duck out to the bathroom.

Do drink, if you do that sort of thing.

Don’t order a bottle of Cristal for some girl just because she’s pretending to be interested in you. She’s using you. She doesn’t actually find your telemarketing job of interest. Yes, customer service is boring, as well. Say you’re a pilot.

Do order a drink for you and your new lady friend, but pretend you have a tab at a different bar and ask her to buy this round.

Don’t get so hammered that you can’t get to the bathroom if you need to vomit. It is not an acceptable shortcut to carry around a barf bag.

Do dance if you’re able. Able doesn’t mean you have functioning legs and you know “The Electric Slide,” the “Roger Rabbit” or the “Running Man.”

Don’t grab random girls and pelvic thrust them in their legs.

Don’t stand at the edge of the dance floor with your hands in your pockets, unless you have psoriasis.

Do have fun, or at least pretend to have fun. No one likes a wet blanket.