Let’s face it; everything you do says something about you.  The type of clothes you wear, the car you drive, the type of car you pretend to drive, it all says something.  One of the biggest personality indicators is what kind of cocktail you drink.  Let’s look at some drinks and what they say about you.

Absolut and Soda – You’re hoping to meet a potential mate wherever you go.  If your phone rings when you’re on a date, it’s probably your Mom wondering how your date is going. You shop at Banana Republic.  You frequent comedy clubs.  You can’t wait to read Dan Brown’s next book.  You have zero personality.

Sour Apple Martini – You’re a forty-two year-old divorcee.  You took your ex-husband for everything he was worth.  Your motto is, “I’m single and ready to mingle.” In your office, you love to smack the ass of the copy boy.  You’ve had your breasts done and will show them to anyone.  You lick your lips whenever you pass any guy doing manual labor.

Bud Light – (GUY) You’re wearing your favorite college team’s hat, a college that you did not attend.  If a woman smiles at you, you talk to her for fifteen minutes until she walks away.  You laugh way too loud when one of your friends farts.

Bud Light – (GIRL) You’re a lesbian.

Microbrew – You wear dark-rimmed eyeglasses that you don’t need.  You listen to any band that is unsigned.  You can go on for an hour about pre-Soon-Yi Woody Allen versus post-Soon-Yi Woody Allen.  You’re passionate about everything but your job.  You have a blog.

Grey Goose and Tonic – You’re dating someone who drinks Absolut and Soda, but always saw yourself dating a microbrew drinker.

Pina Colada – You have a fake ID.

Orange Juice – You’re six years sober.  You’re sponsoring a nineteen-year-old heroin addict who reminds you of yourself.  You smoke two packs-a-day, have six tattoos and you’re considering getting your seventh to cover your first.  Without the thrill of alcohol, you get your kicks from table saw juggling and animal rescues.

Diva Vodka on ice made from Voss – At your private boarding school, you were voted Most Likely to Marry Rich.  The only Spanish you know is, “Barcelona.”  You call your Daddy’s mistress by her first name.  You have a trust fund and so does your loyal chihuahua.

Whiskey Sour – You’re sixty and you call everyone, “Coach.”

Rusty Nail – Your son drinks whiskey sours.  Seriously, what are you even doing at a nightclub?  Shouldn’t you be home taking your meds?